"No matter how drunk i am or how hard i try to forget about you, i can never get you out of my mind. I want to forget about you. Stop torturing me. Stop hurting me"
Sender: Ethan
Received: 1:59:55am 11/26/2008
"woah. I didnt mean to send that haha. Sorry."
Sender: Ethan
Received: 10:27:09am 11/26/2008
I really wish he would go to sleep early. Yeah, sure he's in college. But he was the one who told ME that health should come before anything else. Stop partying and get some z's
Dear Xanga,
I'm starting things in medias res.. and my life is hard to catch on. Not a good combination. I've got a lot to explain.
My whole life story concerns a certain Ethan. In middle school, he was the guy who all the girls thought was adorable, and somehow when I was a freshman and he a junior, we began dating. Everything was great because we knew each other for a long time and I could act like myself around him--which sounds so cliche, but it was true. He understood that I didn't want to get involved physically with him because I was only a freshman, which I thought was so sweet of an opinion for a junior. But during the sixth month, I--feeling pressured by one of my friends who had reached third base--decided I wanted to have sex with him. Horrible decision on my part. I do remember, though, as I was reaching for his zipper, his asking "Are you sure?". I think his eyes were watering. I couldn't tell for sure though. We were in the passenger seat of his car and it was dark outside. Nevertheless, we did it. And for the next few weeks we continued experimenting with the wonders of sex.
You know how some say males behave strangely after sex? Well in Ethan's case, it's true. He acted like a completely different person around me. Was it because he got what he wanted so he didn't need to be nice to me anymore? I should have talked to him about it then and there, but I guess I was afraid. Instead, we continued having sex almost every day for the two years of our relationship. And every day after that sixth month, our connection shattered --and (now, this is weird) strengthened...
Strength
1. Each day meant a couple of more "I love you"'s. This gave both of us consolation. (neither one of our lives is happy-go-lucky).
2. More time spent
Weakness
1. We isolated ourselves from our friends. Even at school, we would be together. Outside of school? No fun with that classmate who seems really cool. We WERE our weekends. It took me a long time to realize how much our relationship was taking away from my high school experience. Social-wise AND grades-wise.
2. As he became more strange, I felt more insecure. I thought he was annoyed by me. So every time I said something, I tried to make it sound funny and clever. However, I am neither of those two. I'm sure you know how it feels to strive to make conversation. It just doesn't work.
Yeah. So we loved and cared for each other more and more by the day because we spent accumulating amounts of time together. But we didn't have other activities to balance out our lives. And sex made Ethan act weird so then I acted weird too, trying successfully to spice up our conversations. I only made things worse.
I don't know if he's over me. We broke up on September 21, two days after our two-year anniversary (that just shows you how much we fought) because we simply couldn't stop arguing. I wanted him to explore his options and live his college life. I'd hate to be the girlfriend who holds her boyfriend back from going to a frat party. (Yes, he told me once that his roommates practically left him alone in the dorms because they wanted to party but he couldn't). So I let him go. And apparently he's doing really good. He's event coordinator of his entire dorm, recently hosted a performance, and is having Thanksgiving at a slut's house. Oh, my bad. Did I call her a slut?... I guess she's not. She's got a boyfriend and everything. Either way, I guess I don't have the right to call her that anymore. (I'll explain this very complicated story later.)
But you know, if it's meant to be, we'll end up back together. And I believe that's what's going to happen.
And about that text... He seemed a little mad. Well, he is. It's my fault actually. A week before he visited Memphis for Fall Break, I became.... (well, I'll explain this story later too).
